The Universe Must Have Been Chuckling

MY JOURNEY FROM X TO Z

One unsatisfying day it hit me that the energetic cesspool I’d been splashing in was of my own making (GROSS). 

    “You mean I created this soul-sucking sludge of dissatisfaction?” 

    You sure did, the Universe whispered with a grin. 

    “It’s not possible!”

    I’ll bet you your life’s happiness it is. 


 

    Happiness. I’d chucked that off to the side somewhere between my ex-husband’s deployments, having twins, working a full-time job, and half-heartedly starting a business. I spent my money as quickly as it came in, chugging a cocktail of meaningless spending with growing financial anxiety. Though I’d never let my mind get quiet enough to hear it, I’d totally given up on the idea that I had any sort of calling or purpose. 

    Like a serial monogamist, I bounced from one good-looking, smooth-talking job to the next. I hooked up with event planning, design, and corporate sales. I went steady with retail, restaurants, and radio advertising. They dumped me and I broke up with them: “it’s not you, it’s me!” we chanted.         

    Now that’s the first wise thing you’ve said. 

    No matter the love I professed, I knew each career courtship was nothing more than empty philandering. I was anxiety, anger, and self-doubt walking to nowhere on a new pair of patent-leather pumps.  

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    As I circled meaningless along the wheel, something amazing happened: I learned I was pregnant with twins. At the same time, I bought a house and could not ignore—as I had when I was a teenager—the visual and felt presence of energy (and not the kind worth keeping).

    My grandmother used to tell me the women in our family had always been intuitive. “Sure, grandma. Can I have some of what you’re smoking?” (I sifted around her bag and medicine drawers—no dice). 

    After my twins were born, I traded patent leather footwear and a tailored wardrobe for mismatched shoes and pajamas. I felt fat, majorly depressed, and seriously directionless.  There was no sleep. There was no desire for life. There was no sign of who I knew myself to truly be.


 
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    My sleep-deprived delirium was beginning to fuel a different side of me. My soul was burning up and screaming: LET ME OUT! 

    LET ME OUT! as loud as a voice talking directly into my ear. 

    “Hello?” I said to my living room, now sure those sleepless nights were really messing with my sanity. 

    NOW!

    I put down the aromatherapy products I was mixing. Though I was loving my work with essential oils—and my house has ever since smelled AMAZING—they represented about the 10th hobby I’d turned into an unsustainable business. I looked at the clock and cringed, knowing how much strength I’d have to muster in order to drag myself into the newest sales job I’d sold my soul to. 

    “I am not happy,” I said in a whisper, bending to cradle my head in my hands. All my old ideas—from joyful, confident motherhood to becoming the CEO of my own business—were too heavy to bear. I let their weight carry me down into the darkness. And just then…

 

I’m here, whispered the true nature of my soul. You’re not lost; you’re just beginning. Buck up, now and awaken your inner warrior. You can handle this. Embrace your past, unleash your passion, and run toward your purpose to do great things.

    You mean I had to endure all this to get to here?

    You bet. 


 

    With new fervor, I began digging deeper into things I knew made me happy: like aromatherapy and crystals. These means of healing led me to clear out the old energy in my house with a Reiki Master, discarding what was no longer useful and holding onto the pieces that helped me stay connected to my awakening. What I once viewed as problems became messages from the Universe; opportunities from the Source to grow. My view on life was infused with healing, not only for myself, but also for others. Six months later, I became a Reiki Practitioner—and the journey has only gotten richer.

    (Though, full disclosure, not always easier!)

    Hey girl, the Universe whispers. 

    “Hey you,” I smile back. 

    Nice boots. 

 

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Today, my killer boots are meant for walking and rocking (and I’ve got the handbag to match). The great mystery of life and existence are always out before us. I now skip into that limitless opportunity, even with some tumbles, bumps and bruises, grateful, grounded, and joyful. My desires are met. My heart is full.

    The Universe isn’t the only one chuckling! 

    What can I say? I like the company. 

- xo Marissa Renee

 
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Marissa Rubino